Pastor Nancy
"Captain's log--stardate 3248516.21--"
"Gimme that!" Professor Jay yanked the microphone out of Lieutenant Mike's hand. Lieutenant Mike has always been then only fan of himself, and he liked himself enough for everybody else.
"We will now be taking off on our tour of the M&M's Galaxy," said Professor Jay into the microphone, "and our first stop will be the planet Mickey."
"Hey, what does this button do?" asked Lieutenant Mike as he pressed it.
"Bummer," said Professor Jay, "that was the fuel release; now we can't maneuver."
"Oh, sorry," said Lieutenant Mike.
"Now you owe me a favor," said Professor Jay.
"Ahh! Ahhh!" screamed Professor Jay, "We're going to crash into Mickey! " Lieutenant Mike let go of the button on the microphone." That was really stupid of him. Now all the passengers are scared. "They're going to die and it's all your fault, Mike!" yelled Professor Jay, "Come on, we have to board the escape capsule."
Now there's only one escape capsule per space touring ship, since some idiot always scares the passengers when something goes wrong, and the pilots' union refuses to land with scared passengers. Uh-oh, the capsule was just launched and we missed it. BUT, I am the magical, invisible, go-anywhere-I-want-to type person because that way I can be wherever I should be to get the best view of what's going on.
Ouch, It's cramped in this thing. The escape capsule suddenly grew to a much more comfortable size.
"Cool," said Lieutenant Mike.
"Mike, we're still crashing," said Professor Jay. They couldn't maneuver the capsule because it was supposed to fill up with fuel before launching from the ship. It obviously couldn't, since Lieutenant Mike lost the fuel.
"Wait a minute," said Professor Jay, "this capsule can be powered by anything that'll burn too, and you owe me one for losing my ship." He put Lieutenant Mike in the solid fuel burner and used him up to keep from crashing.
"Oh well, I guess I can look around." So he did, and it looked a lot like Earth did before they plowed it all over and made it into the galaxy's largest shopping mall.
"Hey, you!" yelled some weird human-looking lady.
"What?" asked Professor Jay.
The weird human-looking lady walked closer. "Hello, I am Pastor Nancy , " said the weird human-looking lady, " And this Is Doctor Erin." She pulled a little person out of her pocket and spit on her. Doctor Erin grew to a relatively normal size.
"Hi," said Doctor Erin.
"She was severely dehydrated," explained Pastor Nancy.
"Hello," said Professor Jay, "My capsule just crashed over there and I need to get out of here."
"I CAN HELP YOU," said a big voice from the sky.
"Who said that?"
"I AM CAPTAIN CURT OF THE STARSHIP HAPPYFRIES, AND I WILL RESCUE YOU."
"Beam me up, Scotty." The Happyfries was Captain Curt's toy from the last time he went to McDonalds. Once all of the three were fully beamed up, Captain Curt took them to the guest room. There was a nifty machine that would make anything they wanted. Pastor Nancy made a deck of cards and Captain Curt brought in a girl who said her name was Miss Molly.
"Good golly, Miss Molly," Said Professor Jay. Miss Molly made them all play a game called BS and Pastor Nancy made them all say "I don't think so" instead because she was a pastor. Professor Jay won (Sergeant Jess has a book that says he can do that because of when his birthday is).
Professor Jay talked to Captain Curt with the communication thing and found out that the author could talk to them through the wall. It was a Tarfeet regulation to have that.
They all went to bed because it was late, but Professor Jay stayed up telling Miss Molly a story he'd made up about a boy and girl from Wisconsin who went to Tennessee with their church and found out they were both taking French next year in school and then they ended up in the same class. Miss Molly thought it was too silly to ever happen.
The next morning Miss Molly had to admit that she was a cereal killer. she had a teddy bear cereal for breakfast and she cut off every one of their heads before eating them. It was really horrible to have to see.
After breakfast Pastor Nancy and Doctor Erin left the guest room to go look around the ship. Professor Jay and Miss Molly went back to sleep because they'd stayed up so late.
Miss Molly rolled over and whapped Professor Jay really hard on the back, so he woke up. He shook her awake. Pastor Nancy and Doctor Erin walked in.
"We are now in orbit of Earth," said Captain Curt in the voice -over, "You guys can beam down any time."
Captain Curt pressed a whole lot of fake buttons to make it look harder and then pressed the real one to ask Scotty how the beam machine was. There was no answer, so Captain Curt pressed some more fake buttons And said, "Computer, how many people are onboard?"
"Five people alive, four hundred ninety-nine dead."
Captain Curt wondered what happened, and he couldn't send anyone to investigate anymore so he was going to go himself but Professor Jay's voice said, "Scotty doesn't seem to want to beam us down."
"I'll be right there," said Captain Curt.
Captain Curt walked in and noticed an evil grin on Pastor Nancy's face, but he didn't notice that it was evil. "All of my crew seems to have been mysteriously killed," said Captain Curt. Everyone was surprised. "I ask you to stay here while I investigate." He left and walked down the hallway to wherever it was that Scotty was supposed to be. On the way, he stopped and looked at bloody body parts that were strewn across the sides of the hallway. "Gee," he said , "those stains will never come out of their uniforms."
All of a sudden, he was looking down at his now headless body. Everything went black as Pastor Nancy flung his head to the wall. She tore up the rest of Captain Curt's body and tossed them to the sides of the hall so nobody would trip on him.
Back in the guest room, Miss Molly was trying to get Doctor Erin to tell her where Pastor Nancy went. Professor Jay was making lights flash and making little beep sounds so it looked like he was doing something important. Pastor Nancy came in Miss Molly started to ask her where she was and left Doctor Erin alone.
When Miss Molly found out that Captain Curt was dead, Professor Jay said , "There's no one left to have killed him except one of us."
Pastor Nancy jumped for Miss Molly, but Professor Jay, being very quick like he does when he needs to, knocked Miss Molly out of the way and said, "So, not only do we have a cereal killer, but also a serial killer as an added bonus."
"And all for just $19.95," said the wall. Professor Jay pulled his magical glowing stick out of his front pocket and held it in front of him, daring Pastor Nancy to do something.
"You challenge me with a green fluorescent light bulb?" said Pastor Nancy.
"No, but a magical glowing stick," said Professor Jay. He swung it around really fast in a circle and a giant Life Saver appeared (lime of course). Doctor Erin grabbed it and put it over Professor Jay and Miss Molly.
"We're stuck!" said Miss Molly. Professor Jay pressed the button on his magical glowing stick and it stopped glowing.
"Now that you have us," said Professor Jay, "you have to tell us your evil plan--it's in the bad guy rule book."
"That's right, you gotta," said the wall.
"Okay, okay. We'd just escaped from a secret really high-security prison on Mickey before we ran into you. I was in for being a serial killer. Those high school kids made me go to too many concerts and it drove me crazy! Anyway, we're going to kill everyone in the M&M's galaxy so we can rule it ourselves and then go kill everyone else. After that, we'll just fly around in the fastest ship we can find until we find aliens to kill."
"Click." Professor Jay had recorded them on his tape recorder. Miss Molly figured out Professor Jay's plan was. She reached behind her and took Professor Jay's magical glowing stick out of his hand. She pressed the button and cut the Life Saver in two places so it fell off. She gave Professor Jay a high-five.
Real good. Being high is not good around serial killers. Miss Molly started laughing and she spun around with the magical glowing stick. Professor Jay ducked to keep from having his head cut off. He snuck around behind Miss Molly and grabbed her hand that held the magical glowing stick.
He took it from her so nobody (especially him) would get hurt.
Miss Molly jumped up on the table and started singing about cotton poop. Professor Jay made another Life Saver with his magical glowing stick before turning it off and returning it to his front pocket. He trapped Pastor Nancy and Doctor Erin in the Life Saver and went over to the computer.
He returned to the table with a glass of green liquid. "Cotton poop, cotton poop," sang Miss Molly. Professor Jay got her to drink the green liquid and she calmed down. Professor Jay had just finished working on the green liquid. It was an unhighness formula for when people accidentally forget and do a high-five.
Professor Jay walked over to the computer and pressed lots of fake buttons. "Hello, get me Sergeant Jess."
Professor Jay met Sergeant Jess in the beam machine room. Miss Molly had stayed to watch the serial killers. When Professor Jay walked in the door he realized that the serial killers were no longer in the Life Saver. "I can't believe they ate the whole thing! " He then hid behind a chair."
Pastor Nancy and Doctor Erin were standing behind Miss Molly. "One move and she's dead," said Pastor Nancy. Sergeant Jess pulled an Army-issue really big gun out of her backpack and aimed it for them. Professor Jay signaled to her not to shoot and she understood (if she would have it would have put a whole in an outside wall which is very bad in outer space).
In his very quick and very silent mode, Professor Jay snuck unnoticed to behind Pastor Nancy. He turned on his magical glowing stick and held it in front of Pastor Nancy's neck. "Let her go." Sergeant Jess came over and handcuffed the two serial killers and took them away to another really high-security prison.
Pastor Nancy and Doctor Erin eventually escaped again, like they did every time they were caught. Now they would go after Professor Jay and Miss Molly each time, but Professor Jay could always get them caught again. He tried to protect Miss Molly, but they eventually got her too.
Eventually Professor Jay (who was now known as Sir Jay for his excellent use of his magical glowing stick) and Sergeant Jess were the only ones left in the galaxy. They had faked Sergeant Jess's death and kept her hidden in Sir Jay's secret lab with the freezer. He'd managed to keep the head of everyone Pastor Nancy had torn apart. He would try to find a way to bring them back after he got Pastor Nancy and Doctor Erin under control.