the infinite dubya theorem

published jul 2006

of course it's generally accepted that an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters will in fact pound out the complete works of william shakespeare, but can this concept be extended to infinite dubyas attemtping to run infinite countries actually managing to get it right at least once?

first of all, it is necessary to transition from infinite monkeys to infinite dubyas. this is not a big stretch, as dubya clearly looks like a monkey. his intelligence level also appears to be close to that of a monkey. the concept of having infinite dubyas is a little more difficult. besides the fact that there is a finite amount of matter in the universe and it is thus impossible to assemble that finite amount of matter into an infinite number of dubyas, it's also just plain scary to think of there being more than one dubya (actually, just the fact that there is one dubya is scary enough for many). this difficulty can be dismissed though by considering that it's also impossible to have infinite monkeys for the same reason that it's impossible to have infinite dubyas (and some people probably find it scary to think of a large number of monkeys as well), but the infinite monkey theorem is still accepted.

secondly, typing out the complete works of william shakespeare needs to be replaced with properly running a country. it is assumed that monkeys hit keys on the typewriter at random, and based on that assumption it is possible to calculate the probability that one monkey will randomly hit keys in the correct sequence to type out the complete works of william shakespeare. if it is then assumed that a dubya will attempt to run a country by randomly making decisions, the probability of making enough correct decisions to be getting it right can be calculated, which is the same model (though a different probability) as randomly generating the complete works of william shakespeare.

the problem comes from the assumption that monkeys will hit typewriter keys randomly and that dubyas will make decisions randomly. in the real world it has been found that monkeys tend to favor typing the letter S, as well as attacking, urinating, and defecating on the keyboard. this is not exactly hitting typewriter keys randomly. similarly, dubya has shown that he tends to favor making poor decisions, as well as urinating and defecating on much of the country and even the world.

in conclusion, even an infinite number of dubyas attempting to run an infinite number of countries will never manage to get it right by making bad decisions, just as an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters will never manage to generate the complete works of william shakespeare by mostly typing the letter S.