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ready.php from the u.s. department of homeland security

the u.s. department of homeland security's ready.gov is a very important and useful resource for americans, but they only put three instructional images on each page.  as a public service, track7 has collected all instructional images with their instructions on this page.  read, and be prepared . . .

in a moving vehicle

if the sunrise is all violent-looking, you might become alarmed and swerve off the road.  this is probably normal for you if you often drive in reverse down the wrong side of the highway.

if you think you may have spotted a terrorist, be sure to pull your terrorism alert lever.  note that your car may be equipped with a terrorism alert pedal instead of a lever.

resist the temptation to place blank road signs near power lines or on bridges.  seriously, what are you thinking anyway?

please do not drive your car into an electrical wire to go back to the future.  your ugly blue station wagon is nowhere near as cool as a de lorean

sometimes terrorists will make harmful radiation known as "boy bands" come out of the radio.  be sure to protect your ears!

in a high-rise building

you may be surprised to know that 64% of terrorists can't solve this painfully easy maze.  that's right:  they are a bunch of idiots — clearly less intelligent than our president.

if you have an emergency, you may choose to exit using either escape route 1 or escape route 2.  if you do not have an emergency, you really have no business dialing 911.

when the fat guy one floor above you falls out of his chair, remember that keyboard of yours from 1982 can absorb the shock of falling ceiling fragments.  on second thought you'd better get under the desk too.

while you will certainly be tempted, do not attempt to fight a posse of office furniture by yourself.  there should be at least two employees per six-foot filing cabinet in order to minimize workmans' comp. payouts.

that's right, smack that kid for opening the window—it's cold outside!

if you notice strange orange radiation coming from the radio in a nearby cubicle, you had better either crouch down a lot or get yourself the crap out of the building — you're about to get a lot taller!

this doctor is in no kind of hurry.  yet another sign that our health care system has some serious problems.

would the people on the second and third floor of my building kindly stop using the elevator.  come on, it's only one or two flights of stairs and people are waiting on seventh you lazy bastards!

there is absolutely no reasoning behind the coloration of these two arrows.

biological threat

if a giant molecule sneaks up behind you, it very well may frighten some major organs right out of your body.  this is no cause for alarm, but be sure to get them back before the giant amoebas run off with them.

the state of missouri only has three hospitals, but we can't seem to remember the names of the towns we put them in.

don't worry — the terrorists can't take over your electronics.  this isn't terminator 3, people.

if you see a 2-foot tall spray on the street and it starts spraying orange stuff toward you, make sure to stand still and carefully think about the whole situation.

if you feel that you are in danger, make sure to walk away casually while the spray can paints "kick me" on your back.  remember that it will stop following around when it notices that nobody is kicking you since they're all staring at the giant spray can floating along behind you.

the most exciting part of your wardrobe is a 3-ply cloth used to cover your face.  with a little imagination you can be a surgeon, a western bandit, a ninja, or even michael jackson!  this is sure to confuse terrorists.

if you happen to find a hand laying around somewhere, go ahead and wash it off before calling the police.  you never know where that hand has been!

if you can't even set the time on your vcr, good luck with these!

this simple looking telephone actually doubles as a first aid kit!

chemical threat

by mixing red, yellow, and green, you might be able to create a dimensional rift.  or it might just be a swirly orange thing.

if you put your hands on the front of your neck and squeeze as hard as you can, you will probably start to see swirling colors like these.

fish and birds do NOT mix. you cannot put birds in a fish tank any more than you can put fish in a bird cage, no matter how close of friends you think they might become.

if you carefully arrange a pile of 3 fish on the ground, you might be able to alter the force of gravity enough to get a dead bird to levitate above them, all while creating a biohazard.  interesting.

the red arrow is there for people who can't tell which direction the guy is walking.  the biohazard sign is there because it stinks like old fish around here.

you probably shouldn't slide down this railing.  the end looks a little bumpy.

if you notice a contaminated area nearby, it might be wise to go to the shelterin' place, which is really no further away from the contaminated area than you are.

interestingly enough, not nearly as many people are willing to live on the street named "contaminated area" as are willing to live on broadway.

if you are freakishly tall, make sure to enter through the two-story tall door.  keep in mind that you may still need to duck.

hey everybody with itchy hands, let's give it up for pinkeye!

our new soap shaped like a human hand is sure to be a hit at your next party!

the man living in the white tent in your backyard may look like a medical professional, but he is NOT.

explosions

when the sky starts falling, you will be glad that you brought your desk outside with you.

if you didn't bring your desk outside, that's okay.  open the door and check out the falling sky from the safety of the office.

elevators are so 1880 — a fireman pole would be so much cooler.

fine print:  while you are reading this, the flesh is melting off your body.  maybe you should have run!

if you paint your briefcase white with a red plus sign on it, people will let you do pretty much whatever you want as long as you make sure to say "it's okay — i'm a doctor!"

please don't close the door while the red arrow is trying to get through.  it's considered rude.

it's even harder to find your contact lens on the floor when the office allows smoking.

though covering of the face is a hip new fasion, doing it for extended periods of time may cause excessive sweating.

if punk kids try to sneak into the movie through the exit door, a good swift backhanded slap should teach them.

when trying to open a door, it's easier if you stand closer to the side with the handle instead of the side with the hinges.

in order to use a door, you must be smarter than a door.

if there is no door on the elevator, you're probably better off leaving through the hole in the wall.

it's not a good idea to train for a marathon while dressed business casual.  your dress shirt is not made for speed and may very well burst into flames.

forcing children to look at your bottom?  you should be ashamed of yourself!

if you know any giants who might want to stroll around downtown, please advise them not to step on my house.

terrorists are people too, only they have no faces.

there is no need to start your house on fire.  there are plenty of other ways to get attention.

firemen are totally cool and sweet.

if you like to hide under oddly shaped blocks at night, it might be a good idea to keep a flashlight with you.

remember not to fart when hiding in a tight space!

if you do fart, cover your face and try not to cry too loud.

by quickly moving your flashlight back and forth under the big foam blocks, you can create a strobe light effect and throw a rave.

if you have bad hair and need to use a whistle to get girls' attention, you will not get laid.  shouting bald guys have a much better chance.

nuclear blast

confuse your neighbors by putting a radiation symbol near the entrance to your fall-out shelter.

if a group of red circles start coming down the street behind you, you might want to go down a different street.

freakishly large people should make sure to return their big red arrows to the hotel manager.

you can't see radiation through a wall -- you'll have to go around.

man we're having a blast!  just follow the radiation and join the fun!

make sure to count the time between the red lines accurate to one hundredth of a second, or you won't get paid.

radiation threat

here is an idea for an effective disguise to keep co-workers from messing with your lunch.  the thermos adds a nice touch.

broadway and main street intersect in a bad part of town.

always look through your peephole before opening your door.  you never know when the person knocking might actually be radioactive!

scientists have determined that the thicker a red line is drawn, the more radioactive it becomes.

you won't last very long if you attempt a staring contest with radiation.

they can watch you through your cable tv, you know . . .

comments / complaints / compliments

hil
posted:  3:09:26 pm, nov 06, 2003

this is hilarious. funnier than other spoofs i've seen on that site.

Jessica
posted:  1:51:34 pm, jan 01, 2004

This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  I'm crying!

Sparky
posted:  1:36:11 pm, may 17, 2004

That's awesome!  I laughed so hard!

Colin
posted:  4:41:59 am, may 16, 2005

Oh man, that cracked me up.

Someone
posted:  6:43:26 pm, mar 12, 2006

that site is seriously insane. do they really expect you to have a whistle with you when you're stuck under those giant foam blocks pretending to be a collapsed building? just remember, if you get blown up or poisoned, walk calmly and slowly in the direction of the red arrow that magically appears. then go to the nearest McDonalds and "shelter-in-place." don't ask me how.

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