"Here 's your Convo 'food,'" said the Convo "food" bringer.

"Don 't they have laws against calling stuff like this 'food?'" asked Pastor Nancy. Now you must understand that most pastors wouldn't say something like that, but this one was a ruthless, insane murderer so the universal society of pastors made an exception in her case. Anyway, you'd probably like to know what happened next.

"Silence, prisoner," yelled the Convo "food" bringer, "but our author has made a point of using quotes around the word 'food' when we're talking about Convo 'food.'" The Convo "food" bringer left. Pastor Nancy spit the Convo "food" she'd been pretending to chew into the pile of Convo "food" in the corner of the pit. She had been a prisoner there since Sir Jay had built it and put her in it near the end of the last story. The pit was filled with foam cubes that Sir Jay knew was the only way Pastor Nancy could be successfully held. Doctor Erin had been with her up until this story, but she mysteriously disappeared because the author decided she was a boring character.

All of a sudden, a shady figure dropped down from the ceiling on a rope. He motioned to Pastor Nancy to keep quiet as he pulled out a whistle and blew it. Pastor Nancy wondered why she didn't hear anything, but after a short time, three weird dog-looking creatures ran into the pit and began devouring the foam cubes. The shady figure climbed back up the rope. Pastor Nancy just stood there for a while until she realized this was her chance for escape. By then the dog-looking creatures were gone, so there was absolutely nothing to keep her from moving freely about the pit (except the walls). She walked over to the rope, but then remembered that she could never climb the rope in gym class. Luckily for her, the shady figure knew that. The rope Pastor Nancy was holding began to pull her up into the ceiling.

Pastor Nancy was now above the ceiling with the shady figure. The shady figure turned off the winch. They began walking and Pastor Nancy wondered why they could stand up. Eventually, they got to the shady figure's spaceship. Those of you who read Pastor Nancy II may be wondering how Pastor Nancy would've been able to do this. At the end of that story, she was stuck to Doctor Erin because they were both so huge from eating so much chocolate cake. Well, Doctor Erin is gone now, and Pastor Nancy shrunk back down to her normal size as a result of not eating anything for five years because she couldn't bring herself to eat Convo "food."

The shady figure flew Pastor Nancy to Stupid Robbie's secret hideout. Actually, he flew his spaceship and brought Pastor Nancy with him.

"You're probably wondering why I brought you here," said Stupid Robbie a short while later (they were at his hideout by then). "I need you for my evil plan. I'm not really Stupid Robbie, you see, but Mad Professor Robbie. I just disguised myself as Stupid Robbie and wore contacts instead of my professor glasses so nobody would suspect me of having an evil plan."

"Wait a minute," complained Pastor Nancy, "Why do you get a three-word name?"

"Because I 'm better than you." Mad Professor later realized that it probably made her a bit upset, because he soon found himself strewn about the room.

"Hey," said the wall, "You just killed Mad Professor Robbie. Now the title doesn't make sense--who's the new evil now?"

"What about the shady character?"

"Yeah what about me?" The shady character poked his head around the corner. Pastor Nancy poked his head too. "Ow, stop it." The shady character walked away.

"No, I don't like the shady character, I want Mad Professor Robbie." The wall's booming voice didn't seem to fit its whining tone.

"Can 't you just bring him back?"

"Oh yeah." The author took away the wall's booming voice and replaced it with a regular one because the booming voice didn't fit. "Pull yourself together," the wall said in its new voice. The parts of Mad Professor Robbie moved to the center of the room as if pulled by a string and reassembled themselves.

Meanwhile, Word was sent to Sir Jay by the Convo "food" bringer about Pastor Nancy's mysterious escape. They didn't even care that it was mysterious anymore--all her escapes had been like that. They just wanted to get her back.

"Sir Jay," said Word, "Pastor Nancy has mysteriously escaped from confinement."

"What?" asked Sir Jay, "How?"

"Mysteriously," said Word, "didn't you hear the first time?"

"Yes, of course," said Sir Jay as he understood, "Molly, send Word back to the Convo 'food' bringer about me taking care of it." Word left. Sir Jay was at his top secret lab without the freezer. Miss Molly was there with him. "Molly, send word to Captain Curt that I will require his assistance and his ship."

"But Word already left."

"I said word, not Word."

"Oh, of course." Miss Molly sent word (not Word) to Captain Curt. They started getting together everything Sir Jay said they needed to stop Pastor Nancy.

"What?!" Captain Curt stepped on the brakes with all his might (maybe not quite all his might, but a considerable amount of it at least), and the Happyfries screeched to a halt. "Set a course for Sir Jay's top secret lab without the freezer."

"Course set, Captain."

"Well?" said Captain Curt, "Come on now...really fast speed...darned new officers..."

"Yes, sir." The Happyfries turned around and disappeared when the flash went off.

After the commercials, the Happyfries arrived at Sir Jay's top secret lab without the freezer. Sir Jay and Miss Molly appeared on the viewscreen. "Ready to be beamed up," said Sir Jay's image.

"Scotty, beam them aboard," said Captain Curt. An image of a board appeared in front of the images of Sir Jay and Miss Molly.

"Now wait just a minute," said Miss Molly, "Didn't we use that joke in the last story?"

"Yes," said Captain Curt, "but we're just about out of Star Trek jokes...no wait--here's one."

"Hey!" yelled the Star Trek Copyright Man, "You can't say 'Star Trek' in your story, it's copyrighted!"

"Shut up," said Sir Jay, who had been beamed aboard (not a board) while the Star Trek Copyright Man had been yelling. He pulled out his magical glowing stick and swung it at the Star Trek Copyright Man. He disappeared with a flash the instant it struck him.

"Thank you, Sir Jay," said the wall, "That guy could've been trouble."

"No problem," said Sir Jay as he spun his magical glowing stick around before putting it back in his pocket. "Wait a minute, where's Miss Molly?"

"I'm right here," said Miss Molly as she climbed out of Captain Curt's boot. Sir Jay told her to brief Captain Curt, so she pulled a pair of enchanted underwear out of her back pocket and gave them to Captain Curt. He put them on and suddenly knew all there was to know about the mission except one thing.

"What's the Sacred Order of the Lemmens," he asked, "some sort of sick group of monks who worship yellow fruit?"

"All we know so far is that Pastor Nancy is with them," said Sir Jay. The problem with that was that none of them seemed to know where that was. Sir Jay noticed a hummingbird hovering just outside the window. He opened it (the window, not the hummingbird) and the hummingbird whispered something in his ear and left. Sir Jay closed the window again. "Go that way," he told the pilot as he made a gesture with his hand in which he extended a finger in order to indicate a direction.

"How do you know to go that way?" asked Miss Molly.

"Let's just say a little bird told me."

"Okay," said everybody, "A little bird told me."

"...and this order is the most boring, so while the universe is bored to sleep, I, the evil genius formerly known as Stupid Robbie, will step in and take power."

"Oh, okay," said Pastor Nancy, who had been trying for the last few hours to stay conscious through Mad Professor Robbie's explanation of his evil plan. She also now understood that the Sacred Order of the Lemmens did not have anything to do with the worship of a certain sour-tasting fruit. The Great High Lemmen walked up to the microphone with his previously stolen guitar (he obviously got it back) and began singing "Jesus Loves Me" while he played the music from "La Bamba."

"We're almost there," said Sir Jay, "let's slow down and take it into stealth mode." The pilot leaned in front of him to press the necessary buttons.

"Pardon my Reach," he said, holding up a toothbrush. The Happyfries slowly changed shape until it looked like a certain black jet bomber.

"Death awaits you all with big, pointy teeth!" yelled the old, horned, ragged man as he ran through the room.

Captain Curt looked at Sir Jay puzzledly. "What do you suppose he meant by that?"

"I don't know, but last I knew Pastor Nancy didn't have pointy teeth." Then the author had no idea how they should get to the next part he wanted them to be in, so he left.

After he found out there wasn't anything else to do, the author came back and found out that he had forgotten to pause the story while he was gone. In that time, Sir Jay and the rest of the good guys had begun falling into Mad Professor Robbie's trap. Sir Jay hit the bottom of the pit and two arms pulled him up to a standing position before closing around him. The others had similar results.

"Good thing I always carry a honey packet in my pocket," said Sir Jay as he dug in his pocket. He pulled out the packet and tossed it on the floor in front of him.

The bears didn't seem to notice it. "I don't think that's working," said Captain Curt.

"I guess that only works with Pooh," said Sharon, who then continued with "I forget if it's grizzlies or blacks, but one of them leaves you alone if you play Dead."

"What does the other one do?" Captain Curt asked that question even though he already knew because the author couldn't remember who else was there.

"It eats you." She got her calculator and began playing a game on it called "Dead." The bear that had been holding her let go, but then it started to eat her. They all realized that these were not the bears that leave you alone when you play Dead. Then Sir Jay saw that the honey packet was still closed. The bears probably couldn't smell it. He walked over and picked it up. Then he opened it and dropped it back on the floor. Then he walked back over to the bear that had been holding him before he forgot that he was being held and went to pick up the honey packet.

The bears let go of their prisoners and fought each other for the honey. Sir Jay knew he'd have to think fast to get them out of the pit before the bears finished the honey. He thought as quickly as he could under the pressure. The bottom of the pit ascended quickly until it was level with the floor. They moved from the part of the floor that had been the bottom of the pit just in time to not follow it back down to its previous position.

"Good thing you didn't think much quicker because we might have been catapulted through the ceiling," said Captain Curt. By now they had all forgotten what was going on, so Sir Jay told Andrew to call upon the power of the Great Conant Spirit. Andrew told Sir Jay that the Great Conant Spirit told Andrew that the author told the Great Conant Spirit that they had infiltrated the Sacred Order of the Lemmens and were trying to stop Pastor Nancy.

"I think I can help you," said Mrs. Plankey. She approached Pastor Nancy and began talking to her. "...the purpose of this speech is to persuade you to stop being evil and--" Pastor Nancy didn't seem to think that was a good idea, because she tore Mrs. Plankey into small pieces and threw them in the pit.

"She forgot to establish her ethos," said Captain Curt.

"No, no, no. Her introduction wasn't attention-grabbing," Sir Jay explained.

"So now what are you going to do?" Pastor Nancy taunted them. Sir Jay reached into his pocket and found two wrapped drinking straws, one of which he kept for himself and the other of which he tossed to Pastor Nancy, challenging her to a duel. Captain Curt explained the rules to them. Now these weren't your average drinking straws, mind you. No, these were much wider, allowing more powerful shots and thus greater pain to one who would happen to get struck by one of the wrappers. They had each taken their three steps, so they turned and fired.

Just then, Steve ran between them and both wrappers hit him. Since these were the wider, more powerful variety, they both lodged themselves in his body. And blood flew everywhere and it was funny. Actually, it was only Steve and Sir Jay who thought it was funny--the rest of them didn't get it.

The two little beaver guys came running in and carried Steve away on their stretcher. In case you're wondering, he made it, but they couldn't remove the straw wrapper that Sir Jay had fired.

Now they didn't know who to declare winner of the duel. They would've just had the foes duel again, but nobody had any more straws. Pastor Nancy said that she should be the winner, but Mr. Christian proved her wrong when he told them that countries are like two-year-olds.

The four speakers in the corners of the room that they hadn't noticed until then squealed and began broadcasting the Great High Lemmen's singing. Pastor Nancy made use of her ear plugs while our heroes suffered. Mr. Christian couldn't stand it, so he jumped into the bear-trap pit.

"Must...stop...horrible...music!" strained Sir Jay as he got out his magical glowing stick (forgot he had that, didn't you?) and switched it on. He swung it in tight circles to produce four small, hard, round candies which he then threw at the speakers with all his might (well maybe not all his might, but most of it). He managed to hit the cord of each one, unplugging them from the walls. With the noise temporarily stopped, they escaped back to the Happyfries.

Once they were all safely back on the ship, Sir Jay commented, "It's worse than I thought. Plot a course to the Spinning Audio Vortex." The computer printed out a map of a section of the universe with a squiggly line on it. Sir Jay asked the guy at the controls to move. "I'm going to need to go to delirious speed in order to get there on time," he explained. He sat down at the controls and entered the course and speed. The computer flashed the warning: "Warning: if you chose to continue, the ship will enter delirious speed, causing everyone occupying it to experience Delusions of Grandeur." He chose to continue. It asked him for his clearance code, and he almost said, "15'8"," but then he remembered that was the wrong one, so he said, "Alpha-Beta-VHS."

The ship accelerated rapidly until it reached delirious speed. Music by Fleming & John began playing throughout the ship. Everyone started dancing because it had a groovy beat.

About three and a half songs later, the music stopped and the ship slowed down. An image of a structure that had "Tooth and Nail Records" written on it appeared on the viewscreen. Viewscreens always seem to know what the people on the ship want to see. Sir Jay recognized it as the Tooth and Nail Spinning Audio Vortex outpost.

"Open hailing frequencies," said Captain Curt. Golf ball sized chunks of ice started falling on everyone, so they all ducked under tables or chairs. Captain Curt realized what he had done, so he said, "Close hailing frequencies."

Sir Jay talked to the outpost and explained the situation about the horrible music. He told them how boring it was and that he feared it just might cause previous music-lovers all over the universe to detest all forms of music. They understood and gave him some of the music they had collected from the Spinning Audio Vortex. Sir Jay thanked them and then they left to defeat the Sacred Order of the Lemmens before it bored everyone to sleep.

"The fools," said Mad Professor Robbie, "They think Pastor Nancy is behind my evil plan. She is merely my puppet! Only I could devise a plan so horrible, so cruel, so diabolical! And in the rare case that it should fail, they will blame her and I will get off Scot-free, which is a good thing since I don't even know where Scotland is." He laughed evilly and pressed the button to begin the annoying broadcast everywhere.

Elsewhere in the universe, the little green men prepared their attempt to attack the red planet. But that's beyond the reach of our little story...

Back within the realms of our story, Fleming and John once again ceased as the Happyfries, which isn't the real Happyfries if you remember the last story, slowed to a stop once again. The author forgot what he was going to have happen next, so he paused the story while he went back and read earlier parts of the story.

After the author came back, Sir Jay and Captain Curt went into one of the special rooms. Captain Curt went to the thing that makes stuff and came back with a box of little electronic devices (LEDs) and a large beetle. When they were done, Captain Curt pressed some buttons on the computer to make the newly computerized beetle go away. He then switched on the computer screen and the five of them watched as the beetle crawled along the wire from one of the speakers Sir Jay had previously unplugged with a piece of candy.

It all looked the same for quite a long time, much as it would if you 're not the lead dog, but then the beetle reached the end of the wire. Sir Jay pressed a button on the joystick he had been remotely controlling the beetle with. A part attatched to the beetle extended and inserted itself into something. Captain Curt wrote down the numbers that appeared on the viewscreen.

Meanwhile, at Mad Professor Robbie's secret hideout, Pastor Nancy noticed something. "It looks like we've been bugged." Nobody was there to hear her, but she said it anyway. She picked up the beetle and aimed it at herself. She then yelled nasty things at it. So nasty, in fact, that Sir Jay and Captain Curt would've been scarred for life had the beetle been equipped with a microphone.

"We've been discovered!" yelled Captain Curt in alarm. They could see Pastor Nancy's screaming face on the viewscreen.

"Quick, activate the self-destruct!" Captain Curt, seeing an opportunity to repeat a joke from the last story, but choosing to do otherwise, activated the self-destruct that they had installed in the beetle.

Pastor Nancy jumped back as the beetle exploded in front of her face. After the smoke cleared, she noticed Mr. Smith in the corner, writing a Shakespearean Sonnet. She wouldn't've known that he was writing a Shakespearean Sonnet, except that he was wearing a rather large pin that said "Hello, I'm...writing a Shakespearean Sonnet." She was still a tad bit peeved because the incident with the beetle bugged her, so she tore him to pieces. Then she did it again...and again...and again. She kept on tearing until the pieces were so small that they could no longer be seen without the aid of a microscope.

By now, Sir Jay was ready to interrupt the broadcast of the Great High Lemmen. Everyone in the universe was on the brink of being bored all the way to sleep. The music of Spinning Audio Vortex, with help from Tooth and Nail and Sir Jay's universal remote (what, it affected the universe, didn't it?), cut off and replaced the broadcast, and all was well once again.

Mad Professor Robbie was now severely peed off. Not only had his brilliant plan failed, his magnificently evil plot been foiled, but also he had not been confronted by Sir Jay. Yet the story still went on. Pastor Nancy walked into his office with charred beetle guts still covering her from head to toe. She was also peed off, and the beetle guts made her look pooped on. They began talking, planning their revenge for the next story...